More recently, I had dinner the other night with Jerry Springer, Michael Moore and Philip J. Kaplan in the garden of the Barbetta Restaurant.
This evening, Philip was extraordinary nervous, so the three of us asked him what had happened.
In his very own gossip diction, Philip explained that he was
completely overf*cking whelmed because of a totally new business model
he recently discovered.
“You know, there is this guy out there. This Superior Genius Jim Pickerell. I´m scared to death. He takes money for republishing press releases.
For subscibers only. So clicking the previous link will take you, as a
dumb user, to nowhere. And, you know what: it works, people are willing
to pay him to read normally for free published press releases now for
money. He is working in the Stock Photo Industry,
where you are either an acquiring, a just acquired or a damned dead
company nobody is interested in. But hell, what works there will work
anywhere."
Michael was looking at Jerry and Jerry looked back to me. Michael
was starting to be drenched in sweat, and Jerry alone had drunk about
two bottles of this new, totally en vogue champagne from a young vineyard in Tijuana County named MöDöPrö. Hell, how do you pronounce that? Weird people.
However, Philip is a genius and an expert in exceptional business
ideas. His phone rang, at the same time his pager went off and the
overhead paging system called his name.
Jason Calacanis
wanted to know how he could immediately get involved into this new
business field that Philip discovered. He was nervous, because he knew
that Duncan Riley of the Weblog Empire had already called Philip a dozen times in this matter. Jason said, “Hey Phil, let´s blog about this!”
Overhearing this, Jerry left immediately to the toilet for vomiting.
Two blonde silicon cuties stepped in his way, pretending how cool his
show last tuesday had been and all that crap. Michael, still sweating,
looked at them and said, “I might have been taken the wrong kind of
movies lately.”
• • • • • • •
Suddenly behind the wifi-antenna of the restaurant, Joi-Ito showed up, declaring to everyone without explainable reason that he is off for Naples. He is always off to somewhere.
A dark dog was running around, together with a very tall woman, yelping “we can now even track the usage of images that haven´t even been taken!”
In the back of the restaurant, Steve Rubel explained the benefits of a podcasted corean RSS menu card with chinese tags to the italian owner.
Then, with chattering of teeth, a product manager flounced around: "Hell, I had no internet connection
today. How should I be able to scan the blogosphere to xerox closely content for It´s all about Copying?
In a secluded part of the restaurant garden, two really big and long-time friends were talking. Without their lawyers.
One said: "I´ve just impounded three of your cars: a Ferrari, a
Lamborghini and an old Mercedes 600. You earned the money for this in the Picture Business. This for sure must hurt you pretty bad." The other responded: "Baby, you know there
are 21 other cars left, so what?" *
Then, together with a hack writer, another well-known babyface of the Memphis Picture Business Mafia appeared from nowhere, babbling:
"You of all people should know that we are constantly developing new software products for
the imagery industry. But we have no clue what the other companies in
this field are working on. So, uhm, what`d you say, uhm, you´ll start
to talk to some of our competitors, pretending that you´ve to do some
kind of inquiry for a story you´re working on, an in-depth-review
of some products, an overview for mature customers, crap like that,
call it as you like it. We´ll pay all your travel expenses and you come
back to us and report the secret products the others companies are
working on. How does that sound to you, uhm?"
Perplexed by this ugly offer of industrial espionage, the hack writer turned around to leave
the pleace. Babyface grabbed him at the shoulders and rolled his eyes:
"Now you listen, you lame quill-driver. You know that we, as a member of the
syndicate, got an investment in you. An investment of time, training and money. It´s not working, so you gotta pay back. But I worked this deal out for ya. Gotta consider
yourself lucky that I´m sending you to this disciplinary outfit." **
So, this is just another normal weird mid-week evening with some misled individuals in the garden of the Barbetta Restaurant.
• • • • • • •
Besides this, it was too late for Philip. He knew it. No 10 seconds elevator pitch for him. That´s the far side of the dollar, if you´re just too late.
“I met the newspaper boy outside 10 minutes ago. The story is all on
the Six O'Clock News and already printed in the newspapers. It´s gone.
Leave it alone. Let it lay."
"The Superior Genius had been critized for reprinting stupid press
releases for money. But, in my attitude to work, I think that some
people might not have fully understand the underlying idea."
He passed the following text from a newsticker to us, highlighting the importance of reprinting fee requiring press releases:
+++ Superior Genius has invented a new
internet revenue model +++ Myriads of millions
of people had been locking for new revenue models for content on the
internet +++ New groundbreadking idea: take money for press releases
+++ Real internet warriors of the early times are intrigued +++
Prominent VC
have already told the Wall Street Journal that they will fund this idea +++ Kleiner, Perkins, Caufield & Byers started
to fund pay-to-read-press-releases start ups +++ Guy Kawasaki of Garage Technologies Ventures
said: "We are reinventing the web!" +++ "Our dreams are coming true!"
+++ Worldwide the public relations companies are going completely nuts
+++ "We never thought people out there would pay for such crap" +++ But
they confirm: "From now on you´ll have to pay to read our stuff" +++ Nick Denton and Jason Calacanis are completely overwhelmed +++ "Hell, blogging and Google Ads had been yesterday" +++ CEO of the Press Release Cemetery Ltd., a wholly owned subsidiary of Graveyard, Inc. (Nasdaq: GRAV) said: +++ "There are tons of bucks in those press release graves" +++ "Competition in the pay-to-read-press-releases
business is soon starting to become ruinous" +++ Another distributor of
fee requiring press releases told Phototalk: "The press releases we
disseminate are more productive, more effective and notably cheaper" +++ Some customers have concerns +++ Questions that arise are: "Superior Genius, do I get a discount if I read 10 press releases instead of
only 5 ?" +++ "Do I get a special account on crappy press releases of Corbis?" +++ "Do I have to pay to read press releases of my own company?" +++ Superior Genius responded: "Sure you´ll have to pay to read normal press releases of the company you work for" ++++ "I will do everything to serve the needs of my customers" +++ "Hell, I decided to do some consulting for E-Data, so why shouldn´t I take money for press releases?" +++ "Press releases serve a very useful function" +++ "In future I will
publish such information under a Press Release heading" +++ "The
following is the initial offering" +++ Click there only if you have paid +++ American Express
said that Platinum Card holders will receive free entry to the new
World Press Release Conference "Pay, Read, Forget" to be held in Flower Mound, TX +++ Local mayor said "Somewhere in Texas a small village is still missing it's idiot" +++ "So join the meeting!" +++
Philip looked at Jerry. Michael looked at me. Philip said, "I have lost it. I´m a wimp."
A very russian atmosphere, with real depressed men drinking wodka and endless whining and crying.
Out of nowhere, the most nauseous and sick experience this evening,
an ugly guy showed up, talking to the waiters:
"Hey, I´m always looking for some young drug addicts to do some
keywording stuff
for my company, know someone? I´m paying nothing, just like I did in
the
past, but they´ll stay alive. I know this can ruin my company, but
hell, I´m saving money right now. They´ll just be glad to get up in the
morning and go to work like some regular fellows. That´s it."
Philip loaded the business card via
Bluetooh in his Palm and mailed it to his secret service.
He looked at Michael, "I´ll tell you this guy´s name if my lawyers
are back from summer vacation and I´ll link to the company. Crazy, a
lot of big companies in the picture business are working with this guy
and are unwittingly involved in this, but obviously no one knows the
background. One of these companies will be ready-to-go-public soon. I
guarantee you this will be a very unpleasant experience, and only
because of this relationship. Believe it or not, I got some emails
earlier and you won´t believe the content. That´s my advantage of
"growing in the crack of a sidewalk", my dear: people just trust you. I
intend to keep it this way." ***
• • • • • • •
As we left the garden of the Barbetta heading to the Russian Tea Room and some Georgian-spiced seared halibut in Wodka, Philip´s phone rang again. Jerry looked at Michael and cited Scotty Fitzgerald:
"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year
by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter -
tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further... And one
fine morning -
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
Later, he refused to pay the taxi.
• • • • • • •
Footnote: parts of this message are skit and are not intended to diminish the merits of anyone. Other parts are appalling real.
Or, as the little brother of Arthur Schopenhauer once said: “You know that you are an acknowledged personality with a widely accepted business reputation if people start to write not only seriously about you, but wryly and ironically. Look at what this cartoonist had done to Thomas Mann."
Footnote 2: Arthur Schopenhauer had no little brother, he had a little sister, Adele.
Footnote 3: Adele wasn´t a contemporary of Thomas Mann, who always paid the taxi.
Footnote 4: Message first published at Phototalk here.
* [If I´d put a link here, I´d be filed for injunctive relief by 20+ lawyers from 10+ chambers in 3 hours]
** [If I´d put a link here, I´d be filed for injunctive relief by 40+ lawyers from 20+ chambers in 3 minutes]
*** [If I´d put a link here, either I won´t wake up the
following morning or I´d be filed for injunctive relief by no lawyers
of no chambers not in ages, because it´s true]
Tired of hanging all day in front of the screen, juggling with Bloglines, newsreaders, Kinja, Osama´s recent Podcast-RSS and his new Atom-feeds, switching from Alan to MadPixBiz and to Gay and Lesbian Stock Photography, from Bahar and Will to the Stock Photo Press Release Cemetery? Tired that your sys admin and your boss do know what you are reading during working hours?
